Last night was an excellent evening at the Rambling Rat 2009 Kickoff event I organized to benefit Tim Dennis and Street Kids International. The musicians, Kevin Hutchings, Andrew McFayden, and Jeremy Stuart were all moving, emotional, professional, and so good. The poets Robert Budde and Michael Cruikshank were both incredibly empathetic and in touch with our emotions as we sat with them. I say with them, because we weren’t just watching these people, we were with them, sharing a space, a feeling, an energy. And it was a beautiful energy.

Tim gave a really good and enjoyable talk, and even got Yon and George from Future Cents youth project up on stage to speak, play, and even give a mini skateboard presentation! Kenny got to say a little something as well, and Kristina Willing, Kenny’s mom, played the guitar and sang a very touching version of ‘You’ve got a friend’ that made Tim cry.

The energy, empathy, respect, and regard in that room last night was incredible, something I rarely get to be witness to, let alone feel. All of us had come together for one purpose: to support street kids. Each person who went up on stage had a story to share about their youth or their experiences with youth, about being outside on the street, about being aware of life around us, taking notice of the kids out there who are trying to get by, stuck on the street. Each performer somehow was connected to who Tim is a person, to Tim’s heart. I did not do this consciously, but upon reflection I realize that the evening spoke to Tim deeply in a spiritual way, and that got me to pondering.

When I decided I wanted to hold an event of some kind for Tim, it was like an epiphany, a sudden and abrupt notion that I couldn’t help but spontaneously share. I didn’t think about it before hand, I just blurted it out. I’m glad I did! Once I’d shared that with Tim, he told me what he wanted, something like a benefit with different bands playing, or a bar that would donate ½ it’s door proceeds to Street Kids. Something like that.

Because I don’t go to bars, I didn’t know where to start. I sat and thought about it for a while, and I thought I would follow my heart, do what felt natural to me, and see what came of it.

I took a look at who I know that would join me to contribute towards street kids. I wanted these people to have musical or spoken word talent, as people would come to watch them if they did. I realized I am an extremely lucky person to know the people I do. Extremely lucky. It’s humbling, indeed.

I contacted two professors who I admire and am so grateful towards. Their teaching me has changed my life in such profound ways.  Kevin Hutchings and Robert Budde have been a part of shaping who I am today, and I sincerely hope that in some way they felt proud last night. I contacted them in hopes they would agree, but not expecting they would. When they did agree to play for my, at that point, hypothetical event, I was thrilled!

Then I thought of my friend, Michael Cruikshank, who (I just have to say) has balls of steel – and is also proudly gay (which explains the balls). We met in university in our English 101 class taught by Kevin Hutchings. He doesn’t realize how inspirational he is as a human being. He is so positive and loving – such love – and he follows through on the ideas he has. Lives the dream. He is an excellent poet who is not read or heard enough, in my  opinion. People everywhere should read his poetry. It is indeed beautiful, loving, fun, honest, and bold. He’s one of my hero’s. So, I invited him to read his poetry. He had moved away from poetry for quite a while, but when I asked him he said he couldn’t refuse me. He said I was such a beautiful woman, he could not say no. I love him for that! The feeling is very mutual! And I’m glad my ‘beauty’ forced him to read his poetry, because he should write and read more of it!

Then I thought of a musician and poet I’d never met, but had heard and seen a few times around town. His name is Jeremy Stewart. I knew that I really enjoyed what he wrote and sang, and I wondered how I could get in touch with him. I knew he is acquainted with Robert Budde and Kevin Hutchings, and that he has a friendship with Jim Brinkman, owner of Art Space and Books & Company. I thought that all the musicians these days have MySpace websites, so I went onto MySpace. Sure enough, I found Jeremy!

I thought he’d say no to such a small event organized by someone he didn’t know. I sent the message anyway, because if you don’t try you’ll never get anywhere. There was no response right away, so I kept on my search thinking he was not interested. A few days later I got an answer from Jeremy! He said he would like to help me out! That was excellent news! I was very excited that I’d finally get to meet him, and see him play again.

I’d also done some perusing of MySpace, looking for local Prince George musicians. I found one fellow, Andrew McFayden, who sings Scots Gaelic tunes. I am a lover of all things Celtic, including Gaelic, which I can’t speak, but which I did try to learn once (gave up out of frustration – not something to learn on your own with no help, a difficult and beautiful language). I thought to myself, “His songs are beautiful. I wonder if he’ll play for my event?” I didn’t ask why I thought his songs were beautiful, just that I felt they were. It matters that I didn’t ask why. I trusted my feelings – something I haven’t been able to do for a long time due to a severely broken heart and a growing cynicism with humanity – and I’m so glad I did! I wrote him a letter and asked if he would play, thinking probably not, he’s a busy man. But, he said yes, too! Great!

I’d tried other musicians, as well. One group was the Arbitrarys, a really excellent local band. They waited a week, said yes, I put them on the bill, advertised – then they came back to me to say no, they’d double booked themselves and had another event. I was very disappointed. They’d have made an excellent addition to the group that night.

I also asked Granville Johnson, an African drummer and musician I know, and who’s taught me some Djembe drumming. He couldn’t play because he has arthritis in his hands. I was disappointed, but appreciated him being upfront with me about it. Maybe another time. He’d have made an excellent addition as well.  I hope his arthritis subsides or is controllable. It would be terrible if he couldn’t play his drums.

I knew my husband, who I’m separated from, but who is still a very close friend of mine, Dean Regan, would help me out any way he could. Dean always helps for a good cause, he has a big heart. I asked if he’d do the sound for the event, because he owns a sound system and because he has a degree in Sound Engineering. He said yes. He then went on to get donation of the band kit, and the assistance of Cliff, who works with the Art Space for all their events. Dean really pulled through this time, and I am so grateful to him. He even put off going to a big party he’d been planning to attend for months just to help me out.

Even though some people couldn’t make it, I’m a believer in everything happens for a reason, or as it should. I think that the people who did perform last night were the people who were meant to play – for Tim.

Each spoke to me, each for their own reason, and some I wasn’t sure why I was asking, just that it felt right. I planned the event based on my loves and feelings. I chose from the heart.  If you were close to me, you would understand how last night was like bringing my inner feelings out and walking through them, watching them, being with them, sharing with them. I am so grateful to all who made that come true. Last night was me dispersed, me made visible, to share, to help others, to benefit somebody other than myself.

I wanted to help Tim, and the best thing I could think to do was to bring that outside of myself using my talents and skills, and my heart. It was much needed for me to do this on a personal level, to realize not all people are liars, not all people are only looking out for themselves. There are many people in this world who are loving and want to help other people. This event has helped me to overcome that cynicism and broken heartedness I was feeling, and I am so happy about that. I am so glad I was able, because of others, to share my love despite those who have abused it in the past. You can’t stop love!

I know I’m supposed to want to do this just for street kids, and honestly I am so glad to help street kids, so grateful to give back to children. Children and love are the most important things to my heart. Children, because when we are a child everything adults do to us, for us, with us, and around us contribute to who we become as adults. Each person in a child’s life helps to shape who they become. I believe this with every fiber of my being. If I can be a positive influence in a child’s life, if I can in some way impact them so that they can feel as grateful and happy as I do today, overcome their obstacles, face challenges, live a fully human life, then I have done what I should do for humanity, and for the future.

Love, because that is what is at the foundation of my being, and the reason I do everything I do. I wanted to help Tim, because I connected with him on this level before we’d even met. I read about him in the paper, and connected, understood, admired, and valued him in this world. Then when he waltzed in to my place of employment to get some road travel assistance, and I helped him, I connected with him immediately. Tim will tell you, he felt it, too. There was an acknowledgement on another level, on the love level.

I have learned through love to suspend my judgments when facing the paths of others. If it is their path, I accept who they are on that path, even if it means we do not become close for whatever reason. Love is the reason I work, the reason I give of myself, the reason I am very tired sometimes, the reason I cry sometimes. Love is the reason I wake up every morning, the reason I travel to meet friends and family, the reason I write, the reason I ponder, linger, watch, listen, breathe, watch, sleep. Everything I do, I do because of and for love.

And I’m supposed to say I wanted to organize this event just for the kids, but honestly? I did it for Tim, because I love him. We do not know each other’s lives well, but I can tell you without a doubt Tim and I ‘know’ each other. It’s the sort of knowing that doesn’t come from years of living together. It is the knowing that comes from inside, where we don’t use words, where there is just being.

Last night was about love and children, about community. I was very moved that everyone there gave of themselves, including the owner of Art Space, where the event was held. Jim Brinkman gave us the Art Space for free. I am forever grateful to him for allowing us that space.

Because of Jim and the performers and sound people, Tim and I are able to use all proceeds towards Street Kids International and its good work in the world. In these ways we were able to bring awareness to adults and kids about their lives, about how much better this world could be if we helped out the kids and helped each other. As I said, each of us makes an impact on every person we meet. In some small way we’ve affected them, altered their path, and that goes on until mankind is gone. How do you want to become part of the future? How do you want to become part of this great thinking and feeling mass we call humanity? How is the universe living through you?

I will send a letter to all who participated in the event thanking them. I admit to being exhausted from the whirlwind planning and follow through that was required to get this happening. With that said, I am signing off, going to have a nap.

Love

Nichole